Speak the TRUTH even if your voice shakes
Warning: October Is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One of every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. The following is not my normal food related blog. Please be advised it contains graphic details of a relationship that involved domestic violence.
*Speak The Truth Even If Your Voice Shakes*
My name is Mandy and I am a survivor of domestic violence.
My older son and I back in 2000, my makeup covered the black eye and the bruises on my face.
On May 20, 2007…I was assaulted by my ex-husband FOR THE LAST TIME…3 days prior to this incident I had asked him to please leave…he told me that he “would never leave me-he would always be there whether I wanted him to or not” he then proceeded to punch me repeatedly in front of my son telling me “you make me do this to you…you just don’t listen…” He threatened to kill me if I tried to leave…a few hours later he said he was sorry…I kept my son who had witnessed this whole incident home from school-scared that he would say something to his teacher-3 days later at 5am I was awakened by a slamming door-my ex-husband walked in the bedroom and spit at me…next thing I knew I was being assaulted…I was dragged out of my bed by my hair and my face was repeatedly slammed into the wall and into a bookcase…he stomped my chest and repeatedly punched me-there was no chance of fighting back-all I could do was try to block the blows, my son was awakened by my screams and ran into the room and was screaming/crying “Daddy please stop” trying to pull him off of me---when I saw my sons eyes-I MADE MY DECISION THAT THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN-I yelled for my son to go and hide & he ran into the living room - I could see him curled in a ball crying while I was being assaulted…my ex-husband finally just stopped-and just passed out on the bed…I stood over him looking at him and my son came and grabbed my hand and said, “Mom-let’s just leave"…I grabbed my keys & my purse…& as I was walking out the door I grabbed his keys AND WE LEFT…I drove around crying for a bit scared & not sure what to do next…I finally ended up in the Jack in the Box parking lot where a customer saw me and my son crying and asked if we needed help and called the police…unfortunately-this was not the first time that my ex-husband had hit me…BUT THIS WAS THE LAST TIME...
“I found myself lying for him-“no, Daddy didn’t push me I fell”…my kids were not dumb-they knew the truth”
My ex-husband and I were together on and off for nearly 8 years…I met him when I was 19 years old…we rushed into a relationship & within a matter of weeks we were living together. He promised me that he was “different” and that “he would take care of me”…within a few weeks-the abuse had begun…at first he would lock me in the room –during the summer-with fans off and windows closed-to “teach me a lesson & how to listen”…-he would control who I talked to and even whether or not I would eat…the first time he hit me was the night that I told him I was pregnant with our son…that was also the first of many times that he PROMISED TO NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN…it never stopped…we had a cycle & after a while you just knew it was time for something to happen…it always ended with the promise for it to “never happen again” as well as “you make me do this to you”...2 years into our relationship he was arrested for domestic violence and placed on probation…and shortly after our daughter’s 1st birthday he was arrested again for domestic violence and unlawful imprisonment…I wanted him to get help…he always promised he would but 3 months after his 2nd arrest-while he was out on bail- he assaulted me and raped me…this time he was sentenced to 3 years...by this timein our relationship I had been beaten, slapped, punched, choked, raped, body slammed, knocked unconscious, he had even attempted to stab me- so by his sentencing I told him we were through-& served him with divorce papers…a short time later the letters from prison started and he told me how he changed…how he was sorry-it would never happen again-how he had found the Lord and was a new person –this time we would do things right…we got back together while he was in prison…and within a few weeks after his release-the fairy tale once again ended and the abuse began again. This time around my kids were older and more aware as to what was going on…I found myself lying for him-“no, Daddy didn’t push me I fell”…or “I tripped”…”I fell off the bed”…my kids were not dumb-they knew the truth…and I knew that I did not want them to grow up thinking that this was a normal way of life…He would call me @ work to see if I was really at my desk, check on whereabouts on my cell phone at all hours…I knew that I should leave but my self-esteem was so low by this time I started to think that maybe he was right-it was all me, maybe if I did make him do this to me…I sunk into a deep depression...and he saw it and used it to manipulate & control me all the more…he threatened to kill me and or to take away my kids…I am not sure how much more I could have taken…and then the morning of May 20, 2007-I had had enough- my son grabbed my hand and we walked away and that was THE LAST TIME…
When I got up to go to the first court appearance…I was so nervous & scared. Did I do the right thing? My son answered that for me…he asked me if his Dad was getting out of jail…I asked him if he did and he had to stay away from us and live somewhere else would that be OK-he said “NO! He could still find you and hurt you or kill us”…That helped to reinforce in my mind that I was doing the right thing. Court that day was an emotional roller coaster. I was there with an advocate along with my aunt & uncle…he glared at me and denied everything…when we left the court room I was approached my ex-husbands mother who proceeded to yell at me and tell me that her son would never hurt me or his kids…security had to be called and I was ushered out the back way of the court house and escortedby security to the side street and into my unclestruck…I left town that night to get away from everything for a few days & justhave time to breathe…almost immediatelyupon returning to town the harassment started…I began receiving threatening/harassing phone calls…whenever a court date was near-something would happen---my car was vandalized…attempts were made to break into my home, I was threatened face-to-face…the neighbors witnessed 2 men attempting to kick in my front door…and finally I came home from work to find the front of my home spray painted with obscenities across the front…my children were fearful & convinced that their Dad was trying to kill us…I gave up my home and moved in with my parents so that my kids could feel more secure…even at my parents’ home-they still feared for their lives as well as my parents…in court my ex-husband would walk in smiling & laughing, waving to his family-glaring at me and at times he would sit there and stare and laugh…it was hard at times not to crumble under the stress and emotional toll that it took going to court & watching him deny everything-Thank God I had an Advocate from Victims Services named Estrella to sit there with me for support!…his family would be there and just stare…dirty looks were always being given. His family refused to believe that anything had happened-even though my son witnessed everything. He and his family said that I was a liar and that my son was only repeating what I was telling him to say…The more that they insisted that it was all a lie-the more I resolved to stick this through to the end so that me and my kids-as well as others would never be hurt or manipulated by this man again…the 2 “bright spots” in the court room for me was my Advocate from Victims Services and the prosecutor Jim Eustace…My Advocate had originally been there with me for my ex-husbands first court case when he was sentence to 3 years-this time when I saw her I told her that this was it-I WAS DONE. Her office was a safe place for me to breakdown and say how I felt or even just cry…I tried so hard to keep myself together for court as well as for my kids at home that sometimes when I would come in I would breakdown and cry-it was my “safe place”…She was there for emotional support-she sat with me during every court hearing-every meeting with the prosecutor-she told me about the services that were available for me and my family....My prosecutor was Jim Eustace…he was wonderful!...He would meet with me and keep me informed as to what was happening with my case as well as ask for my input & listen to what I had to say or even let me just cry …Our court case was drawn out for nearly a year- … and on the day of sentencing I stood before the judge and read my statement-…I was able to say EVERYTHING my ex-husband had ever done to me and my family-how I felt-how my children felt-and that I was through lying and making excuses for his behavior and his choices that he had made in life. THAT I WAS DONE...That my kids were going to grow up knowing that there is no excuse-that abuse in any form-be it mental, sexual or physical is wrong…and no one has the right to treat another human being as we were at times treated…that was one of the most “empowering” things I had ever done-to stand there and speak the truth and let my ex-husband know that there was nothing he could do to control me anymore-that I refuse to live in fear-that I was free of him!…I felt that my voice was finally heard and in January of 2008 my ex-husband was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
“Thank God I had an Advocate from Victims Services named Estrella to sit there with me for support!”
My Break The Silence (BTS) Ribbon Tattoo
After the case was over-I made sure to keep in touch with my advocate, Estrella Fitch…she is now the CEO and Founder of The Healing Journey here in Yuma, AZ. The Healing Journey’s mission is “For those who have suffered from abuse can find safety and empowerment through peer support & education. Victims receive the tools in their healing journey to become survivors that thrive.” There our groups for Children, Teen Boys and Teen Girls, Women’s SexualAssault Survivors, Women’s Domestic Violence Awareness and Men’s Support Group…just to name a few. If you are in the Yuma area and are interested in learning more about the services that are offered please contact The Healing Journey at 928-920-6220.
I am very fortunate to be alive…there were many times that my life was spared…I made it through all this for a reason…maybe someone out-there will hear all that I’ve been through and have the strength to leave before it’s too late…there is always some way out…there are more people than you would ever believe willing to help you…I wanted to share my story in the hopes that even one person benefits by what I have experienced.
